Uncomfortably numb

I have numbed my self for months regarding our adoption. I try not to think about it or talk about it. Then reality hits. Referrals for 6 days if LID's and I realize how completely Eff-ed we are. We were told 2 years was our worst case scenario. My worst case scenario is my biggest hope right now, knowing full well that it is going to be four years before we see our referral. This is wrong. This is not what we signed on for. Like Secret Agent, we signed on with the China Program because out of all the programs China was the most stable and supposedly the greatest need for parents of baby girls who were abandoned because they were born female. We were wrong. China has 30,000 couples and singles waiting patiently (and now not so patiently) waiting to see a refferal. We considered changing programs. I had the application filled out and the check written but not sent. The agency we planned on using was suddenly under major scrutiny so we decide to sit back and watch the drama play out before we did anything. Finding another agency, would mean more research and longer wait times because lots of people are fed up with China and bailing out and switching to other programs, plus the thought of paperchasing again makes me queasy. So here we sit in the China line with 30,000 other waiting parents. Again, this is not what I signed on for. When we signed with our agency we were told to prepare for a 12 month wait. The day we got our LID, our coordinator told us expect the wait to grow and a worst case scenario would be two years. Well, we all know the bullshit in that statement very well. On the 18th of this month we will be logged in a year, we have 322 LID's ahead of us, I'm not going to crunch numbers for you, we all know the math. What I want to know is why these agencies walk on eggshells around the CCA@. They ask questions, but very passive type questions and get even less passive answers. I want real answers, damn it. This is my life, my future and I know nothing. They send us updates. Their updates are the same thing every time: "We know the wait is hard" and "Let us know if there is anything we can do". Yeah, there is something you can do ADVOCATE FOR US. We have already paid our agency for services rendered, we have paid our fees to the CCA@. We now have to renew paperwork and pay more fees. It's like writing checks and sending them into the abyss. This sucks ass.