Saturday, February 21, 2009


As you may have noticed (the 9 of you who still read this blog), each post for the last year has been merely fluff and rainbow farts. The reason, as most of you know, there is nothing to report. We all know that China is moving along at a snails pace and the prospect of a referral is a BIG UNKNOWN. As for me when I first started writing this blog I had no idea what I was doing and I started it to jot a few things down and to use this as a journal for our trip to China. China....that far off distant land that I used to long to visit. I use the word "used" because it is a pipe dream now. Let me be perfectly honest when I say I have checked out of this adoption. These two years have sucked the life right out of my dream of having a daughter. At first when I would get sad/mad/depressed/hopeless, I would read a travel journal or look at a Y0utube video of a family receiving their beautiful daughter being placed in their arms for the first time and every time it would make me sob with tears of hope that one day that would be me. I would wipe the tears and it would restore my hope for another few months until I had the sad/mad/depressed/hopeless feeling again. The last few months I have put it all out of my mind and concentrated on other thing, because lets face it there alot of things going on that have kept my mind busy. I knew it might be time to do a little adoption reconnaissance, so I pulled up a few China adoption stories on Y0utube and sat down for a cry. Nothing. Not a tear, not a tug at my heart, nothing. I could have been watching a whale beaching himself on the shore. I have checked out. I don't know if this is permanent or just a temporary duck and cover for my heart, but I know that the feeling I had two years ago is different and not in a good way.

Yes, we are considering the SN program but with my agency it is not as easy as the other agencies. We are still looking at a few more years with that. I don't want to switch agencies or countries. I want to do what I set out to do over three years ago and go to China for my daughter.

I am ready to chuck this whole thing. Do you know how hard it was to write that? The reality is that it is true. This process is grueling and no one who just wants to parent should have to endure this type of torture. Torture sounds so extreme but I racked my brain and my thesaurus and could not come up with a word that could describe the feeling I have had for the last two years. How do I really feel?


That's how I really feel and it feels really good to scream it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Make me wanna

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You might be from San Diego if:

Every street name is either in Spanish or Spanish related, and you're surprised when other areas don't have this.

You can determine the accuracy of someone's "i'm ghetto" claim by knowing their high school. For example, El Camino High School, Hoover High School, or Crawford High School

You see weather forcasts for four different climate zones in the same county, and aren't remotely surprised.

You routinely go or have gone to Pat & Oscar's solely to get breadsticks.

You've ever gone to Downtown San Diego and marveled at the homeless people mingling with the rich young urbanities.

You've gone to Mt. Helix in July and known you still need a jacket.

You've tailgated at Qualcomm Stadium, and for bonus points, also tailgated when it was Jack Murphy Stadium

You've been to the Wild Animal Park but can't remember the last time you went to the Zoo.

You've ever been on a field trip to see an Imax movie at the Reuben H. Fleet Science Center.

You still call it the Del Mar Fair.

You say "i'm going to the track" and people know what you mean.

You understand what May-Gray and June-Gloom is.

A famous skateboarder/surfer lives in your town.

There's a North County, a South County, and an East County but no Central County.

"Mossy Nissan! Mossy Nissan! Mossy Nissan Moves You!"

You know what it means when two guys are walking in Hillcrest.

You know what it means when a girl in a short skirt is walking on El Cajon Blvd.

You've gotten stuck in the Horton Plaza parking structure traffic after a Padres game.

You know what "The Merge" is, and will plan your entire day around not being on it during rush hour(s).

You've ever been to Belmont Park and rode the Big Dipper.

(For North County) You remember the days before the all the big movie theaters opened. And when they did. First the Edwards in San Marcos, then the Regal in Oceanside, then the Krikorian in Vista, and finally the Regal in Escondido.

You've ever taken the Coaster and laughed at people sitting in traffic on the 5.

You know the difference between Clairemont Mesa, Kearny Mesa, and Mira Mesa.

You can correctly pronounce Tierrasanta, La Jolla, Rancho Penasquitos, Cabrillo, Jamacha, San Ysidro, Otay Mesa, and El Cajon.

You've ever gone to Sea World on a warm day and sat in the first few rows at the Shamu Show to get cooled off.

You've ever been delayed at the Border Checkpoints on the 5 and the 15.

There are more bands than people.

Your house doesn't have air conditioning.

You know it's San Diegan, not San Diegoan, or San Diegoite.

Everyone has their favorite beach.

No matter what the weather is, there is always someone walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.

You live on, near or are surrounded by hills.


You have family and or friends that have moved to Arizona.

There are four distinct seasons: Nice, Nice, Nice, and A Little Chilly.

Your house is worth more than the GDP of some small countries.

You know what MB, OB, and PB stand for.

You used to, and sometimes still do ride the carousel at Seaport Village.

You know someone who doesn't own pants, and have a neighbor who doesn't seem to own a shirt.

Your high school had a surf team.

You know what Santa Ana's are, and that they have literally nothing to do with the city of Santa Ana.

You know what a California burrito is.

You never, under any circumstances call it anything other than "the Gaslamp."

You never, under any circumstances call it anything other than "L.A."

Julian Pies.

You're shocked when you find out people have never been to the beach, and even more shocked to find out some have never seen the Ocean.

In elementary school you were forced to do countless "duck and cover" earthquake drills.

Your childhood dream was to become a dolphin trainer at Sea World.

You know or have known countless guys under 5'9'' tall that own huge lifted trucks to account for their shortcomings.

You love driving on the 52, just for those crazy bumps that they always try (and fail) to smooth over.

You know someone who knows someone who knows Reggie Bush.

You remember where you were the day of the Santana High School Shootings.

When you were a kid you thought the Mormon Church was a castle, or Disneyland.

You know what this sign means:

You still call it Christmas on the Prado

"Nobody beats, El Cajon Ford!"

You've never had a snow day, but you've had a week off for fires.

Every time there's a major snow storm in the Midwest or the Northeast, the next day's newspaper has a picture of children playing on the beach on the front page.

You remember going to the WB store at UTC as a kid and playing in that tunnel thing they had.

Everytime you watch the weather you expect to hear "and here's the KUUUUUUUUUUUUUSI forecast" and/or "no flipping!" because of John Coleman.

You know the worst traffic in the world is Saturday morning-afternoon going south on the 5 and Sunday afternoon-evening going north on the 5.

You remember when 619 was the only area code in San Diego. And you get a little excited when you see Reggie Bush put 619 on his eye black.

You can surf and snowboard in the same day, but you've never felt like actually doing it.

You know the difference between UCSD and SDSU.

You know all the places where "Bring it On" and "Top Gun" were filmed.

Pretty much every area has a high school with "Rancho" in the name.

You've heard the phrase "Spring comes in Summer, Summer comes in Fall, Fall comes in Winter, and Winter not at all."

You've talked about going to Vegas when you turn 21 for like 5 years.

You've had Carne Asada Fries.

You've watched the Prep Pigskin Report, and most likely know someone on it.

You remember Premium 92/1, Q106.5, Star 100.7, and my 94.1.

You know that Cal Worthington will never die.

You went on a field trip to Cabrillo National Monument on Point Loma.

You know what "The Turko Files" are, and are still a little afraid of his mustache.

You know what Lou's Records is, and that they have EVERYTHING.