As you may have noticed (the 9 of you who still read this blog), each post for the last year has been merely fluff and rainbow farts. The reason, as most of you know, there is nothing to report. We all know that China is moving along at a snails pace and the prospect of a referral is a BIG UNKNOWN. As for me when I first started writing this blog I had no idea what I was doing and I started it to jot a few things down and to use this as a journal for our trip to China. China....that far off distant land that I used to long to visit. I use the word "used" because it is a pipe dream now. Let me be perfectly honest when I say I have checked out of this adoption. These two years have sucked the life right out of my dream of having a daughter. At first when I would get sad/mad/depressed/hopeless, I would read a travel journal or look at a Y0utube video of a family receiving their beautiful daughter being placed in their arms for the first time and every time it would make me sob with tears of hope that one day that would be me. I would wipe the tears and it would restore my hope for another few months until I had the sad/mad/depressed/hopeless feeling again. The last few months I have put it all out of my mind and concentrated on other thing, because lets face it there alot of things going on that have kept my mind busy. I knew it might be time to do a little adoption reconnaissance, so I pulled up a few China adoption stories on Y0utube and sat down for a cry. Nothing. Not a tear, not a tug at my heart, nothing. I could have been watching a whale beaching himself on the shore. I have checked out. I don't know if this is permanent or just a temporary duck and cover for my heart, but I know that the feeling I had two years ago is different and not in a good way.
Yes, we are considering the SN program but with my agency it is not as easy as the other agencies. We are still looking at a few more years with that. I don't want to switch agencies or countries. I want to do what I set out to do over three years ago and go to China for my daughter.
I am ready to chuck this whole thing. Do you know how hard it was to write that? The reality is that it is true. This process is grueling and no one who just wants to parent should have to endure this type of torture. Torture sounds so extreme but I racked my brain and my thesaurus and could not come up with a word that could describe the feeling I have had for the last two years. How do I really feel?
THIS SUCKS ASS, THE SUCKIEST ASS THERE IS TO SUCK
That's how I really feel and it feels really good to scream it.
That's how I really feel and it feels really good to scream it.
14 COMMENTS:
I know EXACTLY how you're feeling...it sucks donkey farts through a swirly straw.
you totally right! Your feelings make total sense and I resent the fact that a process that should be filled with excitemtent and joy has resulted in so much pain for so many.
I hope the SN route works for you. For me, the option saved my sanity and brought me the joy I had been hoping for. Although, the pain you write about will never totally go away.
Torture is the right word. Checking out might just save you; it certainly couldn't hurt.
I'm sorry for your pain, sweetie. There is no relief, either.
You're going to have to hunt long & hard to find the Suckiest Ass that would be fitting enough to match the Sucktasticness of it all.
Yup, don't we all know the feeling.
Come on over to the checked out side. I know I'm close, but honestly....I won't believe it till it happens.
Well, we are where you are at....but I guess we're not dropping out until the bitter end. We have our 3rd paperwork renewal in April. I have a lot to consider with that; more money out of my pocket, another invasive home study, NO guarantee that there won't be a 4th renewal....the whole thing is mind numbing. And all the while, we sit her and we think "An only child family is not that bad." But what of the child's life that we could change? What of the potential sibling for Sugarlips? What of the potential joy that a baby would bring? Is it worth it?
Ask me tomorrow and I'll give you a different answer than today. I'm sorry you are at "that place." It is indeed, the suckiest suck ass thing in the world.
Yes it does suck. I am with you on the not believing that it will ever happen. I have been there for a while now. However, in Canada, we only have to update our homestudy every 2 years and that is it. No fingerprints and all the other stuff that you have to do down there.
I THINK we are in for the long haul but with an anticipated referral date of 2013, I don't know if our sanity will survive that long.
I am thinking that there HAS to be a speed up at some point or there won't be anyone left in line with their sanity intact.
I think we are at the same party.
We bounce SN around and around but at this time it does not fit us. And honestly, I am not sure it would be any faster.
SIGH
So here we sit: depressed, numb and heart sore.
Rhonda- donkey farts through a swirly straw? Where do you come up with this? :)
I pretty much know how you feel..... I feel like that at times.. though I will say that I am not pulling out now - hugs to ya..
Sigh! Can't say anything that could help.
We're right here with you. For now still waiting...
Hugs.
Yup, our agency definitely isn't the easiest as far as SN program is but I think it's way better than it used to be. When we jumped into this whole adoption thing we jumped in knowing that we were open to SN. We are currently one of the 44 families in the SN program with our (yours & mine) agency.
I have checked out a few times because I think it's the only thing you can do to stay sane. I dream all the time about a little girl from China and her face is always the same. I know it's my daughter. I guess rumors are circulating that another MA list will be posted soon and I'm sick over it.
I just wish more people know how crappy this really is for us and realize that we're not Brangelina and can't work through the red tape they work through because they have money.
So true. I have been hiding in the sand for awhile - hoping to see the sun. WHEN it happens - I think only us in the 2006 LID timeframe we will truly understand each other & what this time did to our aging process! XO
There are truly no other words for the entire situation. Hugs to you my friend.
I'm fed up and over it.
I doubt we'll go.
Because of MY age. I am butt tired now.
Should have been there and back while I was in my 30's.
didn't realize it would take a freakin decade.
plus.......16k down the toilet
and they'll refund a whopping 1k
they feel they "worked" for us during this assinine sp?? wait. those monthly emails are quite costly I suppose.
fuckers.
can I say that here?
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